I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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