get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
