Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
