are you so shy because you have an std?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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