Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
