I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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