Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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