he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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