finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
