ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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