i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
