who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
