I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
