i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
