Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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