The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
