nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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