We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
