I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
