Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
