I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
