The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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