Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
