And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
