I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
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