I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
