WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
