i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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