Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
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I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
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Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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