i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
this will be a night to untag.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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