I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
