OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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