JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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