im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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