As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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