i jhust puked up my retainher.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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