If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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