I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
