Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
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Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
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He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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