I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
