Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The best revenge is premature balding
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
