Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
