I love having hate sex.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
