my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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