I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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