You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
