The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
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I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
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In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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