just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
it glows. i had to have it.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
