my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
