I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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