I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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