Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
