I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
