I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
