The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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