I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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