i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
