when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
