Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
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There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
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That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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